The room was silent, to silent for me. Each person had a few moments to speak. Then it came to me, I paused…opened my mouth…and literally choked on my words. ” Hi, I’m Dorothy…..and I was…..a sex addict”. Then what felt like a year of silence hit and the room was so heavy with disbelief you could barely breathe. I was so vulnerable at that moment that I would have been more comfortable naked, on tv, in front of the world! I wasn’t at an AA meeting with a bunch of strangers, I was in a church classroom supporting a friend who was teaching Celebrate Recovery. IN CHURCH!!! I just admitted IN CHURCH, with people I go to CHURCH with EVERY WEEK that I was a recovering sex addict. They knew the me now…not the broken me from then.
I didn’t sit there to go through the program but to support those who did, yet speaking my own past addictions gave me a glimpse of the vulnerability I was to live out. There were only a handful of people there… all kind, all working on themselves. No one looked any differently at me but I looked differently at me after that day. It was pivotal for me, to see me at that moment, in that place. I had to remember that it took more strength for me to come to the place that I was now then to live the life I had been living. I took more for me to be vulnerable in front of those 5 people then it did to do anything else in my life. It’s pivotal when you see the paths of where you have come from, where you are now, and where you are going collide.
Be Vulnerable: *capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt *open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.:* (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend:
I have chosen to be vulnerable on this site, in my life, and in all I do. WHY? If I didn’t tell my Whole story…with my Whole heart…then I would be robbing God from the Glory of what He has done, and that I could never do after all He has done for me. Being transparently open, flaws and all, leaves you vulnerable. However, to me vulnerability shows your strength, not your weaknesses.
I give people much ammo to attack me with allowing them to know I have been an adulterous, a liar, a manipulator, an addict, and much much more. They can criticize my standing in the church and open a moral attack against me for what sins I have committed in my past, and trust me there are many! They can also attempt to hurt me by taking and twisting my life story and words to read what they want it to, other then what it’s meant to be…a testimony to God’s greatness. You see, my life, my flaws, my mistakes, and MY REDEMPTION is what makes me who I am! My God saved me, forgave me and restored me! He is the strength that keeps me vulnerable to people. Without vulnerability coming from real people, then people people won’t know there is a REAL God that really saves, really loves them, and really wants to heal and restore them.