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Double life..hypocrite..two-faced what ever you want to call it. Yup that’s what I was. Was it on purpose or intentional? Some may say yes, because my actions were done by me. However, I am going to say no only because my actions were reactions and I was merely acting and not thinking about why I was doing what I was doing. Did i know this then? Of course not! But I do now. Good girl on the outside…right hair, right clothes, manners, and a smile. “Bad girl” (or should I say hurt girl) on the inside trying to feed the emptiness and void she felt.

romansYou see I always WANTED to do what was right, I just couldn’t. I did the motions but my insides were yearning for something longer then a temporary fix. I found myself misunderstood by many, with levels of expectations unreachable for a young girl my age without proper grounding. I knew I wasn’t suppose to have sex before marriage, but why? Because that’s what christian girls do? well, that evidently wasn’t a good enough reason. Was I to wait until I found the man I was going to marry? Well I thought I had found him…so then sex was ok right? Because we were in a committed love relationship. If we would have been old enough to get married we would have I’m sure! Yet we didn’t. Therefore sex before marriage happened. I was still a good Christian girl, just not doing the right things and I couldn’t tell you why.

Then I hid all my flaws, my sins, my ugliness behind the pretty church girl facade and I was miserable! No truth to my life, no hope, merely my brokeness, neediness, and loneliness to keep me going. When those are what is feeding you then destruction(usually self distruction) is bound to happen. Now that I have a grounding on WHY I do what I do daily with intent and I am no longer on auto pilot…my transparency now ONLY shows the light of healing that has happened because HE has never failed me..even when others did and I failed me….He never did.

ugly truthWhen I had to tell my mother I was having sex with my longterm boyfriend she assumed I was a virgin and he was my first. When the truth was I had been active since I was 13. Telling her that devastated her. Telling her how it happened completely devastated her even more. The “good girl” image she had of me that I tried so hard to live up to left me no room for errors and no openness for guidance. I was left to figure it out and cover it up when I messed up, or so I felt. Sometimes it was lying to myself saying that if I don’t talk about it or forget it ever happened then it just didn’t happen. Lying to yourself doesn’t make the truth go away. Other times is was twisting things to make the circumstances turn out or become what I wanted them to be. I had become a master manipulator.

labelI couldn’t let my mess up be shown because I knew what I thought of me. I knew what would be said about me because I knew what all the church people talked about when other people did what I was doing! My labels, my sins, my damage was all hidden but you can only hide for so long until God will intervene. You know that whole pick a path thing and choose you this day whom you will serve verse. You cannot keep facades up while still claiming to love God and be a christian…He will allow you to expose yourself, not for Him but of you!

Elise’s challenge on Day 11 was this: Let’s shed some light on why He(God) is different than every other relationship. Let’s share why we know He is the safest of all safe places. She then asks questions as to:Think about the people that know you best. Has one of them ever misunderstood you? Was that a painful experience? Did it make you feel less safe with them?

Those questions spurred my thoughts above. The only one not addressed was How is God’s relationship different? Well, God saw EVERYTHING and still wanted me. He saw the liar, the slut, the bitch, the adulterer, the murderer, the theif, the master manipulator and all the other things I was and He still LOVED me!  He FIRST loved me, sin and all. He saved me from MYSELF. He HEALED me, heart and all. When you begin to depend on the only true dependable ONE, He then gives you the strength and wholeness to live honestly, openly and transparently.

col 3-2Am I flawed? duh! Just ask my kids! But am I trying for HIS plans and glory? YES and that’s the difference! I am no longer living this life for my self gratification and glory. I am living it for HIS GLORY. As long as God is happy with what I say, what I do, and WHY I am doing it, that is all that matters to me! I am now different because my focus is now different. My eyes are set on Him and the things from above not myself and things whirling around me.