Oh here we go again! Crying uncontrollably and not really knowing why…AGAIN! This event was over 23 years ago, it should NOT be affecting me like this! WHY am I crying? What am I feeling?! This was my feelings moments after writing my posts about Matthew and the almost abortion. I couldn’t for the life of figure out WHY it hit me so hard! I mean it didn’t happen, his life is here and flourishing! Why am I so emotional? So, I retreated to my process zone to soak and see.
While spending my time feeling, I sobbed uncontrollably as if I were in pain, yet I wasn’t. The sounds that came out sounded as if they were from a place of hurt but they weren’t. They were from a place of healing. My weeping I soon realized was my worship and thankfulness in an all but unusual way. I had never experienced this before yet it was so overwhelming and profound. I will try to share what words could not express in that moment.
I was thankful. Sometimes we don’t realize how amazingly gracious God has been to us until sometime later when we can see how great He was in that moment. I was so thankful that He hid my son from death. Like for real, I REALLY almost killed him. I REALLY could have had a life without this child being born to me. I cannot imagine that, but it was a real plan that was almost played out. Had GOD not loved Matthew enough to hide him, he would be unknown by many, including myself. Had God not loved me enough to save me from my youthful sinful state, I would be in a different place today, living a very different life, and an unrecognizably different person.
I am so incredibly thankful that HE stepped in to cover Matthew. I am so thankful that I had him and was able to enjoy him as child. Thankful for his smile, his kindness, his life. I am so thankful that even though I could not process all that was happening, when well meaning people were pressuring me to “do what was right”(even though I didn’t know what “right “was), God stepped in and did the miraculous. God did what no person could do, He saved my son and saved me. I began to think about how much I love Matthew and how much He means to me. How I would have never been able to tell him how much I loved him face to face had he not been hidden. I began to process what God truly did for me in that moment and how grateful I was to have my son in the next room. In that, my soul wept with an ununimaginable gratitude that only tears could express.
So, today I hope that you remember to be thankful. Take a look at things in your life that God has stepped in and intervened in and don’t forget to thank Him. Fully realize the scale of what could have happened had He not and praise Him for all He has done.