I just finished writing about when I lost my virginity at 13 in my book. I must say I wasn’t quite prepared for the response my heart gave me. This isn’t the first time I have looked back on it. The Lord and I have had many talks about it. I’ve even had conversations about it with a handful of people. But to have it sitting in front of me, in black and white, and to read it; well, it was sobering.

I closed my laptop with a heavy pain in my heart, but didn’t know why. No, it wasn’t the best experience, but I thought I had already addressed all the shame and “issues” that came from that. I know from experience when something like this is triggered inside me, it’s time to go talk to the Lord about it. I’ve learned not to let it linger long. That’s never good for me or anyone else around me! lol

As I proceeded to get dressed for my day, I said, “Lord, what is this?” and not in that sweet meaningful way of inquiry. More like that of an irritated wife looking at a mess she didn’t make, but had to deal with it kind of way.

I kept seeing the 13 year old me huddled up in the dark corner terrified and alone. It broke my heart. The Lord then kept showing all the times that I had huddled up to hide or be hidden. Hiding away so people couldn’t see what was happening, hiding to protect precious things that were being stolen away from me, and hiding from the excruciating pain of loss. Flashes of parts of my life came streaming to my mind and I couldn’t stop them. They were joined with tears.

Then I heard Him say, “It’s time to come out of hiding.”

I know that sounds sweet and all, but y’all… I feel like I’ve already come out hiding. I’ve worked hard to come out of the dark places in my life. So I was left feeling a little confused.

“Lord, I’m not hiding anymore.”

“I know, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to her.”

And in that moment, the sprinkle of tears that were gently dropping, turned to streams.

My heart was breaking, for me!

My momma heart was mourning for the little 4 year old girl who was hidden under a wagon as a play thing and not a playmate. Being exposed to things that would forever shape her life.

My mentor heart grieved for the 13 year old girl who crouched down in a dark corner in confusion and fear, after having an encounter that would leave her misunderstanding love and the beauty of sex.

My grandma heart ached for the young mother who was crumpled on the ground between two cars, hiding her stomach, because the pressure she was under to destroy the life she had made was too great to bear.

My daughter’s heart agonized over seeing the grown woman who laid in the dark hallway of her home, as she was grieving the loss of her closest intimate confidant. Who was now choosing to walk away, tearing apart their intwined hearts.

The Lord was telling each those girls to come out of the darkness.

You can remember things. You can address them. You can learn from them. But I’m not sure you can fully heal from them, until the loss has been mourned. He was asking me to mourn for them.

Mourn the loss of innocence. Mourn the loss of intimacy. Mourn the loss value. Mourn the loss of love. We all have things we have to work through and overcome. We all have things we need to mourn.

You see, my heart wasn’t hurting because of what had been done to me. It wasn’t healing old wounds that hadn’t been addressed. It mourning, grieving, aching, and agonizing for every little girl and every woman that has experienced anything like this. It was compassion that had pierced my heart, and the pain was the love that was growing in me for their healing that is to come.

So, my question is, have you brought your little ones out of hiding?

Have you allowed the grown up, healthy, whole and healing you, to address the younger you that’s been hidden away? Can you hurt for her/him? Can you mourn their loss? Can compassion for them prick your already healed heart?

Can you bear the grief that brings forth the healing? Not for you the adult, but for the all the little and not so little ones hiding.

Come out of hiding…you’re safe here.

Come out of Hiding You’re safe here with me.
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